Foremost in my mind today is what I did this morning for "service" and the problems I've always had with rendering "service."
Here's the schpeal: I'm generally selfish, judgmental and lacking in compassion. It's just part of my personality. I feel a little justified because it's a common personality thread among my siblings and I. Occasionally, I'll have this charitable buzz about me where I'm excited to lend an ear, hand, or plate of brownies to someone. This is usually ONLY when I really like the person.
My compassion-less attitude wouldn't be such a terrible thing, except that I'm the Compassionate Service Leader in the ward. Theoretically I lead/support/provide opportunities for the ward to render only the compassion-est of service. I often joke that I have the calling not because I'm compassionate, but because that's what I need to LEARN about.
But seriously, and here's where I could use your advice: I can count off several experiences since being a Leader where I gave of my time, talents, money or food when internally I was really ticked off about it.
Sometimes I feel mad/frustrated because I think the person is using the ward undeservedly. I have internal anxiety about these instances because I know I should love the other person, that I'M the one that has the problem of selfish pride, whatever their motivations are. I mean, Pres. Monson said the greatest joy can only be achieved through serving others (not a direct quote).
This morning I signed up to "help" somebody at their house for a couple of hours. I don't know if the lady didn't really want the help and we all just didn't know it, but it was rough. In the end my overbearing, opinionated self offended her sensibilities and I got yelled at a couple of times (really) and her house is in basically the same state as it was before, despite 6 volunteers and hours of time spent there.
I came home crying afterwards because I'm so hormonal and because I'm upset by my uncompassionate-ness. My frustrations just kept mounting as we were "working" all while nothing was getting done.
Why couldn't I just love the person? Why do I have to be such a jerk in my head about these situations? I know there's something I need to learn from this. I've had several of these experiences, so I know there's a lesson I need to learn.
I'm NOT looking for ya'll to comment how compassionate I am. Just because I'm nice to people who are cute, funny, engaging, well-dressed, admirable and/or clever doesn't make me compassionate.
I'm not looking for patronage. I'm looking for advice. What am I supposed to learn? How can I overcome this ugly beast in my psyche? I don't want to be a jerk (in my head and otherwise) anymore!
9 comments:
oh gosh Beth. I have this exact same problem. Sometimes I feel terrible about myself because I'm always comparing the things that people ask of or expect of the church to what I would ask or expect. I guess that's not fair. But I have such a hard time sometimes, and then I just feel terrible. And like you say, it's awful to go and do the service or whatever when the whole time you're just feeling mad or something about it.
So I could use some advice too--obviously. But you're totally not alone. I don't know why it's such a struggle for me, but it really is. It makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone either, that's for sure!
I think that compassionate service is one of the worst callings in the church. ugh. Bless your heart for doing that. I mean its worse than watching girls play really bad basketball for 3 hours every Saturday. That's my service. And generally I hate taking meals to people mostly because its not just about taking food its about taking good food that some one else's family is going to sit and critique behind your back and judge you for your lousy recipes. Plus, I'm working on a miniscule grocery budget here. Anyway, this is about you, not me. I found that several times on my mission I was serving with an attitude just as you described...doing it but hating it and not really feeling compassion for anybody. The only way to make service meaningful to you and them is if you love them. And that's hard. I've forced myself to love people that I HATED WITH AVENGANCE (I can think of one mission companion that I really told myself I would hate to the grave...). Anyway, the missionary work came to a stand-still, and absolutely nothing productive was getting done. I had to pray to love her. And that was the hardest thing I ever did. I had to humble myself, ask for forgiveness from her and from God (which was also humbling because I thought she was the pompous one with all the problems), and then all of a sudden my heart changed completely and I really did love her. Its so hard to love people who don't seem to deserve it because they're too lazy or grouchy or insane or whatever. But that's the only way to be able to serve them meaningfully. Sorry for the long comment but that's my two bits. And Beth, I absolutely love you and think you're one of my very best friends. You're not compassion-less. You're amazing. Anyone would be frustrated after a service project like that.
My sister teases me that at my funeral I want people to talk about how charitable I was and how I served others all around me, when in reality I don't have any desire to pursue it. I get frustrated because the only "service" any of my neighbors thing I'm good for is babysitting their children. I have ladies calling me daily thinking, "amy stays home all day, she won't mind watching our kids too." It drives me batty. So what I'm struggling with is the fact I was called to "love all the children in the neighborhood" since I'm the stake primary president, and all the children in the neighborhood drive me crazy!!!!
Amy, by the way, can you watch my kids all day Tues. and Thurs.?
The first thing I thought of when I read this was that you need to be more kind to yourself! You are pregnant for goodness sake!!!! I have never met a pregnant women who didn't have an evil beast waiting to come out when something ticked her off. :o)And I have a pretty ugly monster when I'm pregnant, just ask Stew. Anyways, that's not what you were asking for....I thought I was so great and loved everyone and honestly if I have a talent I think that might be it (loving people) but man, the older I get and the more people I meet I find I really don't like some people! Half the time there is no real rational reason. I hate that growing part of myself and this is the only thing that has worked for me. Pray for it! The scriptures say that charity is a gift from God that you must ask for. So it's only normal to not have it naturally. We have to ask for it. My Dad has charity and love for people better then anyone I have every met, he always had grouse people live with us and over for dinner growing up (we all hated that!). Once he gave me a talk that basically summed up how he could loved everyone. He said that everyone, especially those that are hard to like have gone through so much hurt, so much pain, and so much disappointment in their lives that if we had a tiny glimpse of it we'd never want to do anything to cause them more heart ache. We'd want to be like our Savior and save them from more pain. That really stuck with me. People do lame things because they feel lame inside, people have destructive behavior because they are self medicating the hurt that is boiling over in their hearts. This type of thinking makes it easy to love because it doesn't ask you to find good or to say that what is honestly bad behavior isn't. This thinking makes it so that all the things you see that are annoying and bad testify of all that is hurting inside and then you are able to have compassion. In a way the more annoying or grouse they are the more love you can have. Anyways, that doesn't always work but it has helped me so many times.
and as if I haven't board you with enough of my rambling I want to write this, sorry! here is an example from my own life. I used to be really groused out, scared of, and uncomfortable around homeless people. One day while I talked about it my mother simply said, "Your brother is homeless Emily, be careful of how you judge". I felt like a ton of bricks hit my head. I had no idea he was homeless. My brother was messed up, he did drugs and that was why he was there. He would take advantage of anyone to get his drugs so he was hard to love and help. BUT he was my brother and I knew he was dying inside. I knew he was scared and so lonely. So when he tried to be tough and mean and I wanted to yell at him I just thought of the moments when he had to sleep under a freeway under pass in fear and cold. When I think of his broken heart I cannot not love him. So when I drive by a homeless person I lock my car doors but I also say a prayer for them.
Beth, I really like you and I am flattered to have you counted as one of my friends! I think you are someone great! :o)
Awesome beth, I get so bored. Sometimes I think, "if only I had some kids to play with."
Hey now, I represent that comment about it running in the family! Okay, all pride aside, it is so true. We are a family full of people who expect sensitivity, acceptance and love thrown at us when we aren't the best at giving it in return. HOWEVER, Beth, I've always seen you as someone in our family who breaks the mold in many ways. You have given me so much service and I really value your friendship (and your cooking).
I am not the right one to comment. I have a tendency to get walked on by people because I don't know how to stand up for myself or how to respectfully say "no" or stop someone from doing something. I think I was the kid who instead of hitting back just went and cried - that hasn't served me well. The bad thing is that if I do get pushed WAY too far, then I explode, burn all bridges adn stomp away angry forever. Instead of standing up for myself along the way and maintaing a healthy balance of give and take. Try that one on for effectiveness! Yikes!
Beth, I've done some more thinking and I'm thinking... WHAT THE HECK!? We all have different personalities and I think we have different ways of serving. You do serve. You're not the kind to throw your arms around somebody and clean their garage maybe... but you're the kind who gives away baby clothes, passes on a tip about a good sale, makes somebody feel better through your good advice, etc. Just because you're not up for the traditional definition of relief society compassionate service doesn't mean you don't have compassion and give service. You're a gem and I love you. You've served me in a billion ways.
And Amy...I'm bringing Maggie over next week. I can't stand the thought of you being home and lonely all day.
I have your same calling and can very much relate. I have set up 20 meals this week for 2 people-that's not the usual amount--but I really feel like sometimes it can be hard on a ward.
That being said, I definitely think I have this calling because I am selfish. While not everyone is excited to take a meal, I have been very impressed by the goodness of many of the sisters in the ward. What wonderful examples they are for me.
Just a rough week as I have ignored my 3 young children for two days straight to make calls. Did I mention I'm 37 weeks pregnant?--must be hormones. Despite my bad attitude,I still think it is what the Lord would want us to do.
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