I’ve been praying for about three weeks now that the baby will come early. I don’t mean 6 weeks early (although, methought to myself, if that’s when it came, what could I do?) I mean ANY day before May 12th – May 11th, May 10th, today, whatever. And still people, when I make jokes about having the baby, say, tonight, shake their heads and say, “Oh no! You don’t want to have the baby THIS early.” I want to tell them to shut up then. I DO want to have the baby. That’s the fun part – to meet my cute new baby, and to NOT be pregnant anymore. Of course I’ll then have to take care of a newborn AND all my other kids AND have to heal up AND have to wake up every three hours to nurse AND stress about post-baby weight and on. But I won’t be pregnant. Right now that sounds like the best incentive to deliver this bun tonight.
Joel has said several times recently that he thinks my belly is bigger than it’s ever been with any of the other kids. Once, when I looked down and saw my awesome, blossoming chest, Joel looked over at me and said, “Your belly is so big!” Only, I was anticipating that his comment was going to be about my chest. It was a downer.
My emotions and feelings are conflicted during these times. I’m glad to see my belly getting tighter because I feel more justified in being and feeling enormous – they baby is taking up more space, but I also start to worry about where I’ll find more nasty stretch marks after the baby is out. I feel calmer about when the baby will come because at this point it feels like the end is in sight. But I’m also becoming more tired, less able, more encumbered and more desperate to not share my tummy any longer.
In my mind I like to imagine that all these contractions (painful and not) are much more frequent than in previous pregnancies, that my body just isn’t as able to carry this pregnancy through to a precedential full week past my due date. Sometimes, when I don’t have heartburn or a sore back and I’ve slept through the night without having to wake myself up and eat some lame snack or watch infomercials from 2:30 – 3:30 a.m. or read scriptures by flashlight because I can’t sleep I’ll think I’m handling this last trimester with an unmatched degree of sanity and elegance. Usually within an hour, though, I’m so pooped from strenuous activity (You know, like carrying Clara up the stairs or cooking dinner or folding laundry) my frustrations and self-pity mounts and I’m nearly in tears about how I can’t bear to make it to my due date.
I have had several blessings from Joel when in dire emotive states that leave me disappointed because I’m not blessed that the pregnancy will soon be over. No. I’m blessed that I’ll have strength to endure to the end of the pregnancy, to endure the same fatigue, discomfort, pain, sickness and FRUSTRATION that women throughout the world and throughout history have endured time and time again. And then I think about how hard things happen to us to prepare us for our future selves and our future experiences. And it kind of annoys me that it means that while this pregnant state is hard for me to endure, it’s not as hard as what’s coming my way from the future. I want to shout, “Dang it!” because I prefer to have fun, easy, relaxing days where everything goes my way.
Why is it so against my nature to become a better person? I hate getting back into shape after a baby because it is so much hard work. But I love how good it feels to BE in shape – to have the energy to run around with my kids and be active and energetic and willing. After hard life experiences I feel the same way – usually grateful for the hard experience because I’m subsequently stronger. But anticipating it, going into it and experiencing it I feel like I’m ducking my head the whole time, trying to avoid the full glare of the oncoming experiences, as if that’s going to make it go away. Sheesh.
5 comments:
Beth- you look amazing! I'm sorry you are so uncomfortable, I can't even imagine. Let me know how I can help!!!
Is this rude? Glad it's you and not me! There is nothing I hated more than the last month. So close, yet so many millenia away. The absolute longest month of your life. I am so so so so so so sorry.
I hate that too. The past couple weeks I have gotten blessings just about once a week. In fact Stew gave me one last night. It told me that I had a hard road ahead and that I would be blessed with strength and energy to cope. It would be nice if it had said "Emily I give you exactly what you want." But it did bless me with joy. And it was very tender to me how much Heavenly Father cared about my struggles and realized it was very hard. If it had said buck it up and just be grateful I would have died but no it said essentially that he acknowledged my trails and heart and ache and that I would be blessed with joy. I'll take that. :O)
With Angeli I kept feeling she'd come early. I remember one Sunday I came home Stew had meetings and I had just lugged Bridger home by myself with diaper bag, scriptures, my primary class crap, walking in the snow and I was starving, had to pee, and was so tired. Bridger started crying, I started to have painful contractions and my super uncomfortable varicose vein tights were falling down. I stood there trying to keep from screaming and prayed that Angi would come soon because I didn't think I could take it any longer. I felt Heavenly Father say " I hear you. Don't worry she will". It was so weird. I rarely get my way like that...But let me share that an early baby was Hellish! I wish she had been in my tummy. She was not mature enough to be out of me and she let me know it. She was a crier. I spent night after night trying to make her happy and simply couldn't. I never want an early baby again!!! Maybe that is helpful. :O) This really could be the best option. and tell you doctor that if he lets you go over you just might snap and so he better induce you the day after your due date if it goes that long!
Good luck!!! And I want to see pictures of that baby on your blog as soon as you can. I think your kids are so dang beautiful I cant wait to see another Beth and Joel creation. :O)
I know this whole post was one big complaint, but it was how I was feeling. In the long run this last month isn't going to seem like a big deal. I just wonder if I'm crazy for feeling so frustrated and overwhelmed all the time. I mean, is it okay for me to cry about it all through church every week? It seems abnormal to me, and I keep praying that I can be patient and willing to submit to what Heavenly Father has for me to do.
Beth-You are AMAZING!! Always remember that I think that! You have three beautiful children and I think you are one of the most beautiful pregnant woman around. The last couple of months it is so hard, so tiring, so emotional, painful,uncomfortable, relentless, etc but I think that in a way it is almost a blessing (hard to put it that way) so that when we aren't pregnant we realize just how amazing it feels NOT to be pregnant and just how great our bodies really are. To me it is like finishing a race. You look at that baby and you think "I DID IT"!! ;) Anyway, if this is like a race you can see the finish line and you are SO almost there!!!! If you want to vent, TELL ME! I am here for you to dump it all on me!! :) I know what it is like to be huge and emotional, etc. We all love you and are proud of you and can't wait to meet your sweet baby girl!
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