Depression

Here's the much anticipated first post for my lame, lame, LAME blog. I'm sure it's nothing like anyone's expecting it to be, because I'm going to address a serious issue: depression.
I'm speaking from the perspective of having been on depression medication twice, and having had clinical depression on and off since I was about eight or nine years old. Sad, huh? But I don't have depression now, so be happy for me. :)
I just wanted to speak to the reality of depression in so many people's lives, how it's this stupid, controlling aspect of my life at times that is multi-faceted and insidious and I hate it. I'm just going to write about what I've experienced and hope that it can help somebody, especially the people that I love and am close to.

When I Was A Kid
So, even when I was a kid I think I had depression and for sure I had it as a teenager and throughout college and definitely post-partum (which seems the most unfair to me) and even not-post-partum.
I talked to a doctor about other health problems as a teenager and he diagnosed me with depression and wanted to put me on medication for it. I practically ran out of his office because I was so scared of the idea of having depression and even more scared of being on medication. In my mind, people who went on depression medication were crazy, and I couldn't allow myself to think I was crazy. And I also thought medication was a wuss's way out. Like, if you went on depression medication it was further evidence of what a failure you were. So, I just continued to deal with my depression poorly, with plenty of low self-esteem and A LOT of unhappy days.
I recall one time having an interview with my bishop as a teenager and unrelatedly he said, "You're allowing Satan to tell you things in your mind about yourself which are untrue. You need to recognize that it is Satan telling you you are stupid or ugly or incompetent or lazy and don't allow him to tell you anymore." That was really helpful advice because I believed in his counsel and began to recognize more often what were my own thoughts and which thoughts were temptations from the devil to put myself down. Honestly I'd allowed myself so many pity parties up until then lamenting on how stupid, ugly, fat and more stupid I was that these cognitive episodes had come to have their own negative reinforcement.
I was also so surprised when I received my patriarchal blessing wherein it says that I am gifted to have a happy attitude, because at the time (16 years old) I was so grumpy ALL the time, especially to my family. It's good to have revelation like that which hasn't come to pass. It helped me to have hope in my future self and to be patient through my present experiences.

As An Adult
So, I've had post-partum depression and not-post-partum depression since I've been married. The not-post-partum depression got the worst just before I got pregnant with Clara. I was training for the Provo River Trail 1/2 Marathon and really loving it, but other than the hour a day I spent running, I was grouchy and mad all day. And most of my anger was directed at Joel, although there wasn't anything I could tell you that Joel had done to make me mad. After this went on for a couple of weeks, Joel and I finally talked it out and we decided together that I should talk to a doctor about medication. So, I went to my regular doctor and as soon as I opened my mouth to talk to him about it I started crying uncontrollably and it took me a couple minutes to even speak. I just felt like such a failure for admitting that I had this problem that had gotten so far outside my ability to handle it that I was there, blubbering, losing all my self-respect in the process. But I knew it was something I needed to do for myself and my family. My doctor was awesome and incredibly compassionate. He said most of his patients that talk to him about depression cry like I had. He also said that he had taken depression medication for many years and it didn't make him a different person, it didn't make him dependent on the drug, but it did help him to treat his family with more respect and to not feel as uptight, mad, or upset about his daily stresses. So, I can't even remember what he prescribed, but it was a common drug in a low dose (maybe Celebrex?) and I took it, despite my fears. I noticed a difference the first day I took it. I had run 10 miles that morning so my legs were killing me by the afternoon. I went with Joel to the hardware store which is always a bad idea if you plan on him making a decision about buying anything within a 3 hour time period. Normally when I go to the store with him, I'm good for about 30-40 minutes and then I'm ready to pick out the first freakin' tool I see and say 'that's good enough'. But that day I just felt fine about letting him take his time. He noticed and I noticed that I wasn't ticked off even after an hour and a half and I realized that the medication was a good thing.
I took the medication for a month and in that month I learned what aspects of my depression the medication could control and what aspects it couldn't control. It was like a good intermediary between me and my depression, as if it negotiated some things for me to work on personally while taking care of other things in the meantime.
After a month I felt like I had learned how to control my depression through taking care of myself (with lots of rest), expressing ALL my feelings to Joel, even the ones I assumed would tick him off (they never did), and accepting how great I really had it even though I had such an imperfect life. The whole experience with the medication was so much more of a learning experience than I could have imagined, and since then I haven't had depression other than the subsequent post-partum depression after having Clara.
Post-Partum
My post-partum depression has gotten more severe with each child. I just suffered through it with Lincoln and Asher, but after I had Clara I had to call my midwife and tell her I needed help. It's so embarrassing to allow somebody (even some anonymous nurse over the phone) to know that you are in such a dark place from which you feel you'll never emerge that you can no longer handle your current responsibilities without help. She called me in a prescription for Zoloft, which I hadn' taken before, and when I took it I didn't feel like it helped at all.
In the end I needed much more rest than I was getting, time for my body to heal and a lot of love and support and patience from Joel. And I needed to figure out what my relationship with my Savior was. I'm not saying everytime I've had depression I've been a slacker on my scriptures, prayer and temple attendance, but I do know that my depression is linked in some measure with how close to the Spirit I am.
Now
When I don't have depression, I can't tell you really what the causes for it are. I know it has to do with personal pride and not wanting to accept my current circumstances as what will make me happy or fulfilled. Also, I know it has to do with me dealing with some experience or interaction like an adult or like a child. If I'm a brat about something to someone and I know I was wrong about it, if I don't face up to it with the other person it will lead to depressive thoughts or behaviors. And when I treat myself and others like an adult, my depressive thoughts or behaviors dissipate, EVEN when I'm mad that I had to admit how stupidly I acted.
It has to do with whether my body is overtaxed or overstressed (I think I should be able to handle something simple, like going running in the morning 3 days a week or going to a job for an hour a day. But in the end it doesn't matter what I THINK I should be able to handle. If it's too much for me I just need to eat it and do what I know inside is best for me and my family. So, at times that's embarrassing, because I've had to admit to someone that I can't handle some simple task that most people would think I could fit in easily.) and that it has to do with my relationship with Joel. (poor Joel! He puts up a lot with me sometimes) Like, if I feel distant from Joel in some way, it'll tick me off and I'll spend days formulating all these irrational reasons why he's not "there" for me when I need him. In reality if Joel thinks I'm mad at him, he'll give me my space because he doesn't want to tick me off even more.
And when I have depression, I can't tell you what could possibly change about my life that would make me feel better. It seems like nothing, not tons of money or a vacation or new clothes or a special date with Joel or yummy food or a girls night out could ever change how crappy I feel in that moment.
Tye
So, that's it. But I did want to say that the only reason I ever dared to go on depression medication was because of a friend sharing her experience with me. Tye (Guymon) Reeder, who is the most mentally whole person I know, talked to me once about her seasonal depression. Just knowing what a great person she is, hearing her experience and how she had the courage to talk to her doctor about it helped me a lot in acknowledging my own depression and validating my reasons for seeking my own help. So thanks, Tye. You sharing your experience ended up being a life-changing event for me. I'm sharing my experience hoping that it can benefit somebody else.